If you watch Indians at a traffic signal, you will notice that we are always in a great hurry. We cannot waste time, every second is precious. The normal conclusion from this would be that we must have something important to do, something that cannot wait. Right? Wrong!
Indians are in a rush at every traffic stop so that they can have more time to procrastinate. It’s one of the deep concepts of Indian philosophy, right up there with the Maya. Had Jean-Paul Sartre visited India, he would have written another unintelligible tome – Being in a Hurry and Nothingness.
Imagine a young Indian, working, say, at a government office. (Private companies are no better. Try calling customer service of an Indian company.) As soon as he leaves his home to drive to his office, he becomes the doppelgänger of Paul Walker in The Fast and the Furious. He puts his life on the line several times every day, cutting corners, overtaking not just from the wrong side but from every possible side that Euclidean geometry would allow. He competes fiercely with his fellow drivers and the poor pedestrians cannot even penetrate his cognitive sphere. Faster than a speeding bullet, he finally reaches his destination : the office.
As he enters the office, the first thing he will probably do is to pray to the favourite one god or goddess that he has chosen out of thirty-three million and whose image adorns his desk. Then a transformation happens. A divine calm begins to spread over his whole body. He becomes philosophical about life. Who am I? Why am I here? Mundane problems like doing work no longer bother him. Sure, there is a long line of people who want him to do something for them but so what? What’s a mere loan application or licence approval in the grand scheme of things? He is no hurry, till it’s time to go home. Then it’s Paul Walker again as he races home where he will probably watch his favourite TV program or a Cricket match.
So how do you cross an Indian street, with these Paul Walkers coming at you from all directions?
If you are from a country where drivers actually stop to let the pedestrians pass, you will find it very difficult to manage on Indian streets. It’s like Neo taking the leap of faith. You have to unlearn everything about how to cross a road. For instance, there is a word called ‘jaywalk’ which means “to cross or walk in the street or road unlawfully or without regard for approaching traffic”. This word has lost its meaning in India because it assumes that there is a better way to cross the street. It’s like saying ‘snowfall’ in Antarctica. Jaywalking is the only way to cross most streets in India.
Crossing an Indian street is much more thrilling than playing a violent game in VR. You need to be on your toes and your reflexes have to be razor sharp. For instance, you are about to cross a road and you see an approaching vehicle that will cross your path. What do you do?
If you do nothing or wait for the street to be empty, you might have to wait all day. You need to take action. So here’s what you do. Look at the body language of the vehicle. If it’s fast or super fast, then let it go. If it’s at medium speed, then you need to boldly step in front of the vehicle. Remember, most drivers expect pedestrians to block their way. It’s a supreme battle of wills. Now, if you are quick, he will either slow down or change direction to go behind you. Congrats! You have won but don’t celebrate just yet. You need to tackle a few more similar vehicles before you reach the other end.
While you are doing all this, do look in the other direction as well. There is a fair chance that someone is speeding along in the wrong direction and he will honk in the most self-righteous manner if you are in his way.
Which brings us to honking – one of the favourite Indian pastimes. You may think that honking is just for clearing traffic but you would be wrong. For Indians, honking is a way of expressing ourselves that may mean anything from ‘I am bored’ to ‘Yay! We won the match!’ At any given point of time, an Indian street exhibits a wonderful cacophony of horns.
Every game has cheats. This real life Death Match is no exception. It’s simple. Just look around and find a seasoned street crosser who is going in the same direction as you. Trust his instincts and follow him like a shadow. He will be your Morpheus, guiding you through The Matrix!
Usual disclaimer : This article is to be taken with 7 tablespoons of salt. Please don’t do anything rash on Indian streets and hurt yourself. Also, just because the article is in a lighter vein does not mean the issue is not serious. Every year, more than 135,000 traffic collision-related deaths occur in India.
